Flush with inspiration from the Westboro Baptist Church’s God Hates Fags campaign, Joe Decker and Ryland Sanders bring us more of what God says he hates–this time, it’s shellfish.

Yes, it’s Topeka’s Westboro Baptist Church, a cult-like following headed by a man named Fred Phelps, that protests the funerals of dead soldiers. Phelps claims that all of the bad things that happen to America and Americans, like the World Trade Center attacks, Hurricane Katrina, and California’s wildfires, are God’s wrath as a result of the country’s acceptance of homosexuality, and has bible verses to back it up. Kind of.

That’s where Decker and Sanders have taken it a step further. Since Phelps uses biblical passages to tell us that homosexuality is a sin–and therefore, hated by God–they pull out some of their own to make sure that all shrimp lovers know that God hates us, too.

They explain it like this: First, they tell us that Jesus did away with Old Testament prohibitions on unclean things–like bacon, by god.

“The second reason is that if you still want to quote from Leviticus, despite Jesus’ doing away with Mosaic law, then you better be prepared to enforce the whole thing, not just the parts you like. This includes not only the injunction against shellfish and mussels and such, but also against wearing fabrics made of blended fibers, cutting or shaving your beard, sowing mixed seed in a field, and a slew of other things nobody but Orthodox Jews take seriously anymore.”

And while they might be in this to stir the pot a little, don’t think for a second that they don’t have scripture to back it up:

Deuteronomy 14:9-10 says:
9 These ye shall eat of all that are in the waters: all that have fins and scales shall ye eat:
10 And whatsoever hath not fins and scales ye may not eat; it is unclean unto you.

Their point, in case you’re wondering what gay people have to do with shrimp (at least in this article), is that you can’t cherry pick parts of a holy text in order to make it OK to condemn others. You might have seen this before somewhere. Like Afghanistan, in Osama Bin Laden’s cave. . . who orchestrated 9-11. . . which Phelps’ WBC says happened because. . . wait for it. . . God hates homosexuals. It’s a big circle, see?

Enough of this. If God’s hating on some shrimps, he’s hating on me, too. Somebody pass the cocktail sauce. Peace.